How to Deal with THAT Family Member at the Reunion
By Sabriya Charles, Founder of Project Passport
Ah, summer is here, and you know what that means – family reunions! Can you smell the sizzling barbeque, the mouthwatering potato salad, the endless trays of deviled eggs, and let’s not forget the cornbread that melts in your mouth? Marvin Gaye is crooning through your cousin's speaker, while Aunt JoJo gives it her best shot at singing along. The sun is blazing, but the drinks are ice-cold and perfect. It’s a scene straight out of a Madea movie, complete with laughter, love, and, of course, drama!
Family reunions are where you meet people who swear they’ve known you since you were in diapers, and they expect you to remember them too. It’s where you discover you’re related to a lady you've never seen before and a baby cousin you've never heard of. While you smile and nod, pretending to recall those non-existent memories, you're glad to be surrounded by family, even with the inevitable quirks. These reunions are a cornerstone of African American culture, a testament to strength and unity amidst adversity, helping us navigate modern family challenges.
Everything is peachy until THAT family member shows up. You know the one – the energy vampire who sucks the joy out of the day the moment they arrive. You have three options: make a hasty exit, stick it out, or confront them head-on. Balancing family relationships is tricky because they’re your kin, but they might also be the source of the negativity you’re trying to avoid. Here’s how to handle THAT family member at the reunion:
Keep Your Peace At All Costs
Sometimes, the best strategy is to simply avoid them. With a crowd this big, it's easy to lose yourself in the mix. If they approach, just turn on your heel and keep moving. If the space is too intimate, consider calling it a night early. It might not be the ideal solution, but preserving your peace is worth cutting your time short or playing a little game of hide-and-seek.
Strategies for Navigating Tensions
Boundaries are a lifesaver, though they’re not always easy to set. They might make some folks uncomfortable, but that’s their problem, not yours. If you’re feeling brave, let that family member know upfront how they make you feel and ask them to respect your space. Be clear: "Don’t talk about my weight. Don’t ask about my love life. Don’t comment on my hair." You could ask someone else to relay the message, but direct communication ensures nothing gets lost in translation.
"Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else. Not setting them, however, is a betrayal of yourself. Don’t betray yourself to please others." - Nedra Glover Tawwab
Communication is the key to resolving conflict. Expressing what offends or hurts you might be news to the listener. While it can be stressful, it opens new paths of understanding that didn’t exist before.
Nod and Grin
Sometimes, it’s easier to fake it till you make it. That family member might not be worth the hassle. Keep things simple and polite, choose your battles, and smile through the frustration. Pretend nothing’s amiss for the sake of your sanity. If it helps you get through the day, go for it.
Fostering Positive Experiences by Treating Yo-Self
If you have to deal with a stress-inducing family member, make sure to balance it with lots of enjoyment. Don’t let someone else’s negativity ruin your fun. You deserve joy and happiness. Dress in your best outfit, savor all your favorite foods, hug the relatives you adore, and focus on the parts of the reunion that bring you peace. Be mindful and present in the moments that uplift you. Take a deep breath whenever you need it.
Note on Abuse
Some situations are more complex, involving issues like sexual or physical abuse. If your family has a history of keeping these things quiet, remember that you deserve to heal. Whether it’s cutting off that family member, seeking therapy, or finding other means of healing, do what you need to feel safe. If you need to report abuse or get help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or check local state hotlines for additional resources.
Family reunions are milestones filled with great memories. They’re a chance to reconnect with loved ones you haven’t seen in years. While they can bring immense joy, they can also be a source of pain. You get to decide how you experience family. You have one life, and it shouldn’t be dictated by someone who can’t respect you. While family reunions can test our patience, they also offer unparalleled opportunities to affirm our connections and communal strength.
About the Author
Sabriya Charles (Dobbins) is the award-winning Founder of Project Passport and the therapy practice, Fruits of Freedom Counseling. She specializes in proactive wellness, providing preventative mental wellness tools to companies, organizations, and individuals. After battling severe anxiety and panic attacks, she created a sacred space to help people with the “little things” before they escalate into big issues. Sabriya is the author of the wellness blog Living Life Full Force and the book, Purpose Doesn’t Care What’s in Your Bank Account. With certifications in Positive Psychology, Cognitive Behavioral Techniques Coaching, Neurolinguistics Practitioner-style Coaching, and more, she believes that adventure and well-being go hand-in-hand.
Learn more at sabriyacharles.com